


where the fields are painted gold

by Nazezdha321



Series: Character Studies (sort of) [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, But whatever, Character Study, Feels, One-Shot, Season/Series 07, because she doesn't feel things, mama may, please let May be happy, she deserves it, well not 'feelings'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25122487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nazezdha321/pseuds/Nazezdha321
Summary: "Melinda May was born to fight, but she was also born to love."Or, what's like to not feel. At all.
Relationships: Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Series: Character Studies (sort of) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1817902
Comments: 26
Kudos: 49





	where the fields are painted gold

**Author's Note:**

> Haven't written a Season 7 fic yet (I don't think??) so here's this.

If there is one thing Melinda May has known since the day she was born, it is that she was born to fight. 

  
  
Her father teaches her that there is as much strength in words and feelings as there is in fists and bullets. He teaches her that to carry the world on her shoulders means she must carry the hearts of its people as well. He teaches her how to swim in a sea of sharks that are constantly trying to tear her apart and keep her from what she was meant to be. He teaches her that true warriors are not the ones that always win, but the ones who always fight. 

He teaches her that she will be tried and tested before she can spread her wings because the finest steel must go through the hottest fire, and just as fire makes steel into swords, her mistakes are there to be learned from. 

  
  
Her mother teaches her that there is no greater warrior than a parent protecting their child. She teaches her that even if her wings are broken, she still has claws and teeth to fight with. She teaches her that even if she tries to carry the weight of the world she only has two hands to hold it up with. She teaches her that to be strong, she must once have been weak, that to be wise, she must once have been foolish, that to brave, she must have once been afraid. She teaches her the harsh reality that if you leave one wolf alive the sheep are never safe. 

She teaches her to be careful who she loves because she can die from a broken heart. 

  
  
Neither of them teaches her to patch her battle wounds because they have always had someone to do it for them. Neither of them teaches her how to pick herself back up after she has fallen because neither of them has ever fallen that far.

Neither of them teaches her what to do when someone she loves is suddenly gone because there is no way to teach a little girl how to grieve when the only thing she wants to do is burn the world to pieces for ripping out that part of her.

Neither of them teaches her not to pour everything into what she does because then she will be left empty. Neither of them teaches her that when death comes to collect, you are not always ready to die because neither of them have been died before. Neither of them teaches her what to do when the flame of a candle is blown out before it has time to light up the night because neither of them has ever blown out that candle. Neither of them teaches her what to do when her wounds are already healed but her wings are drenched in blood because they both hoped that she would never bleed nor cause others to bleed like that.

Neither of them teach her that everyone battles their inner demons eventually, but they do not always win. 

  
  
Those lessons, and many others, Melinda May must learn on her own. 

  
  
And through trial and error, she does. 

  
  
Melinda May was born to fight, but she was also born to love. 

  
  
She was born to love her parents, who both taught her to know when she could not survive this but when things were worth dying for anyway. She was born to love her team, love Mack and Yo-Yo, love Bobbi and Hunter, love Trip and Fitz and Simmons and everyone else who has fought by her side, and died by her side. She was born to love Phil so much that every time he died her heart broke and now it is broken into so many pieces that she no longer knows how to put it back together.

And she was born to love Daisy, she was born to teach Daisy, she was born to fight for Daisy, and she born to die for Daisy because just like her mother taught her, there is no greater warrior than a parent protecting their child. 

  
  
Melinda May knows what it is like to feel your heart crack and splinter and break, what it feels like for it to be put back together, a process that takes more time than anyone really has, what it is like when your heart is tangled with another but your hands cannot intertwine, what it is like when you need your heart to belong to something, someone, but it refuses to let you share the burden you carry with another, what it feels like for it to glow with warmth and happiness and love. 

  
  
But she has never known what it is like to have no heart at all. 

  
  
She has never known, nor has she been taught - not even by the mother she once thought was heartless - what it is like to not be able to feel unless she is feeling what someone else is.

What it is like to be asked if she is okay, and to reply that she is fine, not because she is lying but because there is nothing else for her to be.

What it is like to not be able to mourn, not because she doesn't care, but because where there is part of her that is supposed to mourn there is nothing. Without being able to feel, she cannot be frustrated that she can't feel, and she can't be sad that she can't feel, and she can't be sorry or angry or guilty or panicked that she can't feel because those are all feelings. 

  
  
The worst thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies, but May never thought it would come from herself.

She can't even feel like she's alone, even though in her mind she knows she is. 

  
  
There is simply nothing, a great void, where logically she knows something once was, but she isn't aware she's ever felt different - she isn't aware that she's ever felt at all. It is like she's on an island, but there is no sea in front of her. She is on an island but it is not an island because where there should be something surrounding it there is nothing and instead she is left wondering what and where nothing is. 

If she could feel determination, she would be determined to try and look for something, testing the waters that she knows are not there, swimming in an ocean that should be in front of her but is not. 

  
  
Melinda May was born to fight, but she can no longer feel what she is fighting for, and it haunts her every step, like ghosts of her memories of emotion are sitting upon her shoulders, bearing an invisible weight that she was never meant to carry. 

Melinda May was born to love, and maybe one day, she'll be able to again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Say it with me: we will always be grateful for that one intern who posted the 7x08 promo instead of 7x07 <3 
> 
> GIVE ME FEEDBACK (please).

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Trees Are Filled With Memories (Of Feelings Never Told)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26859895) by [sadtunes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadtunes/pseuds/sadtunes)




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